I’m Joining the Tin Foil Hat Brigade

My friends say I’m taking a holiday from reality. But I had an inspiration. I decided the Conservative Party and the right in general are out to destroy the country. This is how it happened: I was outside last night, looking at the stars.  There was a slight wind, from the northeast, and just the hint of cloudiness on the southern horizon.  A dog was barking in the lonely distance.  Suddenly and without warning,  this feeling came over me,  like someone was watching.  Then a big booming voice said, “Crap! Goddamn it all to hell.”  This was actually my neighbour, who was trying to load a recalcitrant 500 lb. sow onto his truck.  It was then I knew the Conservatives were up to no good.

Further evidence came this morning.  I was on my laptop writing this very post, when the cat we used to call the Evil Kitty walked across the keyboard. (He was called the Evil Kitty because he was evil and would bite and howl, sometimes even without provocation.  He is actually a lot better and significantly less evil. Now we call him Stockwell.) When the Kitty-Formerly-Known-as-Evil was distracting me, the dog simultaneously began to drink my coffee right out of my cup! This is not a coincidence. Obviously, they are Conservative Party operatives. I shall have to keep my eye on these two.


Also, I do not want to alarm you but Ottawa, our beloved capital, has been infiltrated by Conservatives. I have suspected this for a long time, but finally got evidence today. Furthermore, it is a well-known fact that Parliament, our most sacred institution, is filled to the rafters with Conservatives.  This has been documented by bloggers, etc. Alarmingly, there are so many of them they have taken over the government!

What is worse, they are plotting against us even as I write. And why won’t the mainstream media cover this important scandal?  There is obvious conservative media bias.  Studies have shown the media have a 99% bias against the left 39.3 times out of 80.  When will the Canadian people wake up?

I have started a massive research project to expose this dastardly conspiracy.  After the experience of the stars, the wind, the pig and so on I stayed up all night working on it.  I will publish the fruits of my labours shortly, in a series of thirty-nine posts. In the meantime, I can perhaps share the first line or two of my exposé: “To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born.  Sometime later I realized the Conservative Party in association with the National Hockey League and Celine Dion was out to destroy Canada.”  I think this line of inquiry holds promise.

I am thinking too of changing the name of this blog to “Dispatches from the Conservative Police State.”  This is a more accurate representation of life in this intern camp we call Canada, labouring under right-wing rule. I have also resolved to examine every aspect of my existence, using the premise “the Conservative Party is out to get me” as my watchword and guide.  My revelation suddenly makes everything clear.  There is conspiracy everywhere.  This includes politics, religion, VIA Rail, the rain, the snow, the wind, intestinal complaints, teabags — especially teabags, the letter J, foot fungus, the National Post, and the House of Windsor.  I call it Metero-myco-politico-religio-ferro-monarcho-camillio-gastro-alphabetico-canwestglobalism. It’s all of a piece, you see.

I have to go now to the dentist.  They are using my fillings to monitor my movements and thoughts.  They have to come out.

A Guys and B Guys

There’s A’s and there’s B’s. The A’s are guys like me. The B’s are homosexual faggots with dirt on their fingernails that transmit diseases.  — Tom Lukiwski, 1991 Continue reading